my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You Might Also Like
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
#gardening
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I put the hot in psychotic.