All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.