Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered