My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.