Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
This hospital has everything
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me