My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
what’s the point then??
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Canadian owl: Eh?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians