Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I saw this ending much differently.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭