If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.