The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV