I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
You Might Also Like
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Practicing safe sax
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose