Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Big Sex has us all fooled
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit