I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.