*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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I’m already scared
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
iPhone X