You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
what
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!