Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.