[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
You Might Also Like
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Carpe DM
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.