Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who