Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts