My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’ve been drinking.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
cats when you pet them too long:
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you