Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?