Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You Might Also Like
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Otters see a butterfly.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Sheep
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[the middle of showering] I need a break
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“I wouldn’t.”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.