How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’m putting together a team
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Flock of bats
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.