[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.