[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!