Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.