shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
yea so i messed up lol
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?