Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
You Might Also Like
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.