I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
(more comics:
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Cha-ching is my safe word
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’