wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You Might Also Like
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Ferrari squats
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Love this guy
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.