[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
waiting for halloween be like:
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.