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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Wait a second…
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm