[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats