I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
So creative 😂
Always…
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!