Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.