A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.