when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You Might Also Like
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
President The Rock Obama
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.