lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?