My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?