You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*