Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Don’t talk down to me
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?