Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My five year plan is a meteorite
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
being a writer on Twitter:
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee