If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My dating profile:
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I don’t get marriage
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”