Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I don’t know what to do
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper