doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*sewing*
A thread
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.