“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.