Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
congratulations to them
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly