Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”