YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”