[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.