If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is